Long Time No Write

Hi folks!

It’s been a while – mea culpa!

Some of you may have followed me on Instagram and Twitter for shorter updates and random thoughts. (And the Star Wars hair styles I did today and yesterday to entertain a co-worker, go look at them on IG if you need a chuckle!) I really want to get back into writing; I’m just not sure of the format.

There are some topics I want to touch, but I’d like to put more effort into these.

  • Getting in touch with your body and your identity through martial arts (and handling blunt weapons, lol)
  • Contentment vs. happiness
  • Space (I’d love to create something about planets, moons, and asteroids, playing with different ideas right now)
  • Navigating life with a mind full of opposites
  • Background noise

I’m busy with work most days and want to keep this blog completely separate from my job for different reasons. I’m still a linguist, doing linguist things in a language project for a big company, destroying (and fixing) templates, and occasionally dabbling in logic programming for internal purposes, while filling my desk with plants, listening to weird music, and drinking a little too much espresso. Sometimes I fold origami manta rays and other creatures when I need a break.

A long due update on my journey in capoeira will follow shortly!

Now I’m going to install the WP app on the “new” phone I got some months ago, so stay tuned for new random poetry spam.

See you soon!

PS: The last few months I didn’t find motivation for photography beyond the low-quality phone snapshots and I still haven’t posted the images from the last wedding I photographed. Life has been crazy, the weather disgusting, and nothing really interesting was going on. I’m waiting for the sky to clear so I can take pictures of the moon with my new tele-zoom lens, then next month I’ll be at the big annual capoeira workshop with my camera.

 

 

Capoeira and Weakness

I don’t really know how to write this post.

The last few years haven’t been that awesome health-wise. I started my capoeira journey a few months before an all-time low, a time that involved a lot of sleeping, brain-fog, headaches, and crying on the gym floor. There were people who still took the time to teach me. I’m still incredibly loyal to them and wouldn’t want to miss them.

I’ve grown stronger, my overall fitness is better than in the past, but the demands have grown with it. Demands from my instructors, from my group, from myself. So now every new low brings more frustration and more self-doubt. People tell me to give my best, to go faster, while my body wants to lie down and sleep. It makes me feel bad for my instructors – they spend time and energy on teaching us -, for my group – I hold others back -, and for myself, because I can’t be who I want to be. Dizziness comes and goes, some days my muscles hurt, sometimes I just feel like I’m far away and my body doesn’t listen to me. When I have a cold it takes me weeks to get back to my old level afterwards.

Most of this week I spent sleeping, because I’m down and out with a really nasty cold. The doctor told me my blood results are perfectly fine and I just have to deal with getting sick easily and not being as fit as others. I’ll just have to go slow with sports, which isn’t easy with capoeira.

But I don’t want to give up what I have – something that brings me joy, makes me stronger (as long as I don’t add stress on my body by going five times a week), and helps me connect to wonderful people. I’m just scared of telling people I’ll have to go even slower in the future, scared of their remarks, their looks when I take care of myself instead of going all in, scared of seeing others succeed and moving on while I linger. I’m scared of more self-doubt when I see the gap between me and others grow, of seeing others wearing brown and green while I don’t know if I ever will.

Today I went on a walk with my camera to escape from my self-pity and black thoughts. Taking pictures by the lake (just five minutes from our apartment) in the fog helped me clear my head and respiratory system. I brought home some cool seagull pictures I worked into a black and white series: https://starfishskiesphotography.wordpress.com/2016/11/25/seagulls-in-the-fog/. Maybe I will never be a really good capoeirista, but I can do my best when I feel well and take pictures on the other days, learn the music, contribute and participate in some way. I just hope others will accept this and help me, instead of looking down on me or adding to my frustration in some other way.

 

Wear your bruises with pride

Summer is finally here, the heat, the sweat, the short pants. So your legs aren’t perfect, so what? So you’re covered in bruises from playing sports, from playing it rough, from playing hard the game of life? Wear your bruises with pride, those marks of warrior strength on your still pale legs.

Don’t let them tell you you’re unworthy of the comfort of short clothes on warm days, don’t let them tell you bruises on pale flesh are not what a woman should wear. They are marks of an active life, of enough health to roll and run and climb, and just as well marks of honour for falling down and getting up, for hitting obstacles and still moving on.

Wear your bruises with pride, and flash them all a knowing grin. Make them jealous of daring to be bold and brave and full of life, no matter how often you stumble and hit the ground.

Vague Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts in my head these days, but they are somewhat vague, some hazy, some blurred, some to quick and complex to be caught in words yet. I want to write more again, more often, more organized. I tried to push forward in life and suppressed that creative voice inside, tried to find a more grown-up creativity, tried to press myself in a mold I won’t ever fit. Lately I’ve been going back to reading my old stories – the really crazy, surreal ones (mostly SciFi fanfiction with random strange occurrences) – and to watching the old shows that had been my refugium in teenage years. I want to write again, and try to voice my old sense of wonder again, to put down the absurd episodes my brain brings up whenever given the opportunity to breathe. Maybe someday I’ll find a story that will be wondrous enough to captivate others.

Also, future not clear yet. Destination unknown. Vague ideas, nothing tangible.

Walking.

After a few very emotional and stressful weeks I woke up yesterday feeling good. I enjoyed taking the train and travelling alone the half-hour distance to the countryside (for family stuff). I felt so good I decided to drive a car for the first time in months. Wonderful feeling.
But after listening to table conversations for some hours last night and today I felt drained. I just wanted to get up and leave the restaurant. Now, in the afternoon, I felt myself drawn to the outsides, to watching the farm cats. Finally I just felt the urge to move. So I wandered off, just walking and walking, following a dirt road. I felt a bit guilty to leave some preparation tasks to the others, but after some minutes of walking I realised how important selfcare is. I didn’t get up from the table early, I tried to stay calm and help with some stuff, but at some point I risk running on an empty tank, risk crossing the line to just reacting to things without being in control anymore, which at some point won’t be helpful to anyone anymore.
Sometimes you just have to walk and see things from a distance before getting back into the middle of things. So if you feel the urge to walk, don’t just ignore the feeling.

What will remain

What will remain
When things fall apart
When I’m treading water in the void?
Who will stay
Who will pray
When we are drifting through the dark?
I rememer stories I wrote in the past
I faintly remember having a plan
But right now I can’t see the way.
So much change.
So much is fading right now.
Stay. Stand by me.


Too much going on right now. People leaving. Changing friendships, a group falling apart. A new friend, met in an unlikely place. Anxiety about the future. Looking for a better job. Having to rely on my husband financially a lot. Feeling bad. Wanting to train hard but the body doesn’t comply. So much chaos in my mind. So much to learn.